I try my best to maintain a generally positive tone, I do. Having dealt with some trauma and depression, I feel like I have had to paint my perspective a happy shade of rose simply to motivate myself to keep living.
But there are days where the backlog of emotions come crashing onto me. There are days when the ripples of bad decisions past become waves, and they often engulf me whole. That’s the problem with the past – it comes back. So long as you have the capacity to remember, it comes back. In recent days I have been reflecting on all the choices that have brought me to this point. It has been somewhat of a whirlwind. Some choices were made unthinkingly, some impulsively, some a result of having waited so long that the decisions made themselves. The emotional effects of these choices creep up on you, and before you know it your heart is completely in their clutches.
I am having a pretty rough time right now, sifting through the emotional backlog, and dealing with new obstacles – new decisions, new information. Through this process I find myself in a constant state of introspection. I find myself resenting the way I have been handling my affairs. I sometimes force myself to project happiness, in part influenced by the positivity cults I encounter in the virtual world. In doing this, I invalidate and often alienate the part of myself that is suffering. I do not acknowledge her struggles enough, I simply tell her to plaster a smile on her face and keep trudging forward because “other people have been through worse”.
Today is a bad mental health day. There is no real way around it. It’s the kind of day that makes me want to tell positivity to go screw itself. Today I feel bad. Yes, it will pass. Yes, “it gets better”. And you know what? In a few minutes I will likely “suck it up” and carry on with my life as if this never happened. But I need some time to simply be overwhelmed. Because that is what it is – I am overwhelmed by thought and emotion and it is only fair to acknowledge it, and allow it to have a moment.